The End

So… Remember my last post were I shared about my fiancé? Well, sadly, that’s over.

It seems he met someone else that he preferred. The way it all went down though, that was shitty. This will be long and probably make me look like a complete idiot for not seeing it. But sadly, I loved this person and was thought he loved me. I still do, but only because you can’t just turn it off, and he so clearly never did.

Like any normal couple, we had issues that seemed to always cause conflict. The normal stuff. When we’d go out he would be the social butterfly and I would want to sit and soak it all in for a bit. He’d always feel like he needed to entertain me (even when I told him that I was fine). He didn’t like that I got stern when talking about the household finances. I was dealing with a lot of stress and confidence issues, and it was hard for me to feel sexy, and that frustrated him.

I thought we were fine. He was working on a show at a bar that was a huge production. He was excited about the opportunity, and I was supportive, even though it wasn’t my scene. He’d have production meetings with the organizer and other performers before the actual show. He talked about all the new people and how he was collaborating with some of them on some tracks. He promised me that he was not interested in any of the women, and that they all knew he was engaged. I believed him.

Then all the sudden, he woke me up in the middle of the night. We had been at a concert he wanted to go to on Saturday and he’d announced a game that afternoon and everything was fine. He’d introduced me to the crowd as his fiancé and I thought it was good.

He woke me up to argue with me about something. I don’t remember what it started as because I was half asleep. He told me that he didn’t want to get married, and that he wanted to break up, and proceeded to list out all the reasons that I was emotionally abusive towards him. That I was gas lighting him. I recognize that I have a hard time taking responsibility for things, but I was (and am) working on it. He told me that all his excitement about the wedding was faked and that he never really wanted to do any of it. He said that I blamed him for everything, when in my mind, I was offering suggestions for how we could solve the problem together. He said that I would intentionally try to make him think he was crazy by saying that I had never said a certain thing, or forgetting what I had said. I didn’t understand. I didn’t even know these were things that I was doing, I’d never even heard the term gas lighting before. I pleaded with him to give me a chance to be better. That I didn’t even know what I was doing, but if it made him feel bad or sad or crazy, I would be more mindful about it. I asked if there was someone else and he said NO. I asked why he never told me that I was doing these things, and he said he was afraid to. He kept comparing me to his abusive mother and eventually I just had to go to sleep. But I didn’t sleep. I stayed on the couch until it was almost time to get up for work. The next morning while I was getting ready for work, he woke up and said “You’re so beautiful” before I left.

A short time later, he texted that he had made a horrible mistake and that he didn’t want to break up. He still wasn’t ready to go ahead with the wedding, but he asked if I’d still be his girlfriend. I said I would, and that I would try to be better about the things that upset him. I asked that, if there was something that was upsetting, he talk to me about it instead of letting it bottle up. He said he would try. We decided to think of it as a reboot of our relationship. Trying to get the bugs out.

A few days later, we had tickets to the Foo Fighters, one of my all time favorites. I’d bought the tickets months ago and was so excited. Before the show, we found some people I know from derby in the crowd. They invited us to sit with them, but I thought we were in a better spot and I didn’t really want to move. I told him that I didn’t feel like I knew these people well enough to be comfortable with them and their friends. He seemed mad that I didn’t want to go , even though I told him that I didn’t think I could relax and enjoy myself there. For the rest of the night, he was grouchy. After the show started, he sat down on the lawn behind me and played on his phone and hid the screen whenever I turned around. He went to the bathroom and stayed gone for 3 or 4 songs. He came back and wanted to leave, saying that the crowd was getting to him. We went and sat at the picnic tables and, eventually, we left about halfway through the show. I tried hard not to show my disappointment, because I didn’t want to start an argument. He said something about that I would do anything to save the relationship, as if he was making me leave just because he could. Because he knew that I would because he wanted to.

A few days later we went to a roller derby game that he was announcing at. He wanted to go to the after party, even though it was pouring outside. We went and the bar was 2/3 an outdoor patio and everyone was squeezed inside, making me feel very claustrophobic. I found a booth that had a mostly dry seat to adjust to the crowd while he went to get a club soda and visit with his announcer team. He wanted me to be social with other people and not hover around him which is what I usually did until I felt more comfortable. I tried to find someone to talk to but I didn’t really know most of the people that were there very well, and I was very anxious about upsetting Nick. Once the crowd started thinning out, I found some people to talk to that I knew better. He went to get another drink and came back with some urgency. He told me that he loved me and that he realized now that we have 2 different ways of dealing with crowds, and that it’s OK. We went home, and he talked the whole drive home about how we are both oscillators making noise, and that I can fine-adjust him to make a more pleasant sound, and that he can do the same to me, and the together it makes a beautiful song. It made sense in the moment, but now it sounds like the ramblings of someone who was a little too high. Which he was.

The next week was full of ups and downs. We were working on communicating better and I thought it was going OK. He would be fine but then if he thought too hard, he’d get sad and talk about how awkward it was with us. I tried to be more patient and mindful of his feelings, and to speak more gently, but he would just accuse me of “doing anything to salvage the relationship” as if that were the worst thing a person could do.

The next weekend was the big show he’d been working on. He told me that he was going to get a hotel and stay near there, since he’d be there early to set up and then go nap and get ready, then back to do the show, then sleep, then teardown in the morning. It made sense so he wouldn’t have to drive back and forth. I didn’t think anything of it since he had promised there was no one else and they all knew he was with me. I made plans to go to Austin to see some roller derby so I wouldn’t be home alone. He messaged me a few times that night that the show was over and he was back at the hotel safe, and then in the morning that he was heading home.

He had started hanging out with an old friend from an old job. and they would go to shows together downtown. I never met him, but I saw them interacting on Facebook, so I am confident he’s an actual person. Maybe not the person Nick was really with, but he’s probably real. He’d come home from work, take a shower and change, then leave again. He’d stay out until the show was over then hang out until the venue closed. He’d text me that he was on his way home and then finally show up around 4am. He said he’d leave the show and drive around listening to music in his car. He never slept. He never talked to me. He still said he loved me and called me my nickname. He still gave me kisses when he left or came home.

I had signed up for a 5k a few months back and the day came. He had said he was going to come watch and cheer me on, but now he didn’t want to. I tried not to be disappointed. When I got home after the run, he was home. He decided that we should reconsider our living arrangement. He thought that it was too hard to “reboot” while we were living together and seeing each other all the time. The apartment was too expensive for either of us alone, and we were in the middle of a lease, so we decided to sort of divide it with me in our bedroom and him in his studio. Give each other some space. I felt like I wasn’t allowed outside of my room if he was there. When he was home he slept on the couch, if he slept at all. He’d stay out all night and I felt like I couldn’t say anything because I didn’t want to anger him. His anger was starting to get a little scary.

This went on for almost a week. On Thursday, we were texting and he got mad about something I said. I wasn’t trying to start an uncomfortable conversation or anything, but something triggered him. He outright said he wanted to get his own apartment, but that we could continue to see each other. I asked him again if there was someone else and he said “no, just me.” That night, I went to visit some friends and we talked about how he was dragging me through this and that I never really got a chance to speak on any of it. He’d shout over me or shut me down every time I tried to speak up.

The next morning, Friday May 11, I told him that there was some things that I wanted to say, but I didn’t really have time to right then, as I was getting ready to go to work. He said that I couldn’t really leave it like that, so I said fine. I started to talk about how I felt like he never gave me a chance to speak about any of the accusations or anything, and he shut me down and said “I want to break up.” and I said “Well, no shit!” And I proceeded to try to tell him what I wanted to. He accused me of trying to change his mind, and I said that I wanted him to recognize that there was a human on the other side of this, and that he wasn’t the only one who’s feelings mattered. He seemed to think that we could ‘coexist in the derby world”. Yeah, sure. I eventually had to leave for work. At lunch, I went home to get some clothes because there was no way that I was going to stay there, even if he wasn’t. He was still there. He hadn’t left to go to work and it was nearly 1pm. I gathered some things while he was in the bath and tried to leave before he got out. I had my stuff outside the door and he came out and offered to help. I was mad. I didn’t want to see him. It hurt too much. I haven’t seen him since then.

That same day, I got off work and was scrolling through Facebook at the long light I always have to wait through. “Nicholas Thompson has changed his profile picture” showed up in my feed. And someone “loved” it. I wondered who, so I clicked on it.

And this is what I saw.

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This was a girl, who wasn’t me, who had been in a relationship with him for nearly 2 weeks. Who know how long before it was “facebook official.” It was one of the girls from the big show a few weeks earlier. One he had told me that he was collaborationg on a song with. He had said that she knew he was engaged and that he wasn’t into her, that she wasn’t his type. I feel like this was the reason that everything was suddenly so bad that he couldn’t stand it any longer. I’m sure he was texting with her at the Foo Fighters when he hid his screen from me when I turned around. This must have been why he was staying out all night with his “friend.” This was the reason that he was giving up on us without a fight.

I screenshotted the page and sent it to him, calling him a liar. He accused me of Facebook stalking, and asked if I felt better now? I was rage. I sent the screenshot to my best friends, because I couldn’t make the words. They rallied with me and tried to make me feel better. Nothing helped, but at least I wasn’t alone in my rage.

A few days later, he texted me. He wanted to know why a friend had said something on Facebook. He said he was sorry that he lied. He tried to tell me that he thought it was clear that we weren’t together after that terrible night that started everything (don’t forget, he asked me to be his girlfriend again after that night). He claimed that he thought we were broken up since the beginning of March (?). I pointed out that that was BS because we BOOKED A WEDDING VENUE on 4/2, and he regularly referred to me as his fiance up until that bad night, and as his girlfriend since then, and had said just the previous day that we could still see one another once we lived apart. He said that the girl had no idea that I even existed, but I don’t know how she could have missed me unless he hid any photos of us from his Facebook, which, it turns out, he did.

It was then that it all clicked in my head. He was doing to me exactly what he was accusing me of. He made me believe that I had been in the wrong the entire time. I’m sure he did that to justify his actions in his head. If he could convince himself that I was a bad person, then it canceled out what he as doing to me. It was complete and total bullshit. He has been to so much therapy that he knows just what to say to be convincing.

He seems to have retroactively convinced himself that all the good times we had together were bad or that he was really miserable the whole time. No one can fake it that well.

All of our silly things that we had. Blank docks, herons, snuggs in snuggletown, sassy, bearron, toast, the mysterious unicorn girl, sexy man delivery service, all the things.

My person.

Now we have to exchange cold (and sometimes hostile) one sentence emails to arrange for me to get my furniture out of the apartment and settle affairs with the cell phones. I see her things on my bathroom counter in the apartment when I go there to get my clothes (during the day when no one is there). I see that all my photos and knick-knacks have been hidden behind other things as not to offend the new girl. It’s like I never existed to him.

Do I think it will last? No, I don’t.

Part of me wants him to feel just how I do right now. The pain of losing someone that you expected to spend your life with. I want him to come to his senses and realize what he threw away, but I don’t think he will. I question whether he cared about me at all, ever, and if I was forcing him along the whole time.

I want him to know that I know what he did. That he can make me the bad guy all day, but deep down he knows that’s not true.

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My Life Now… Part 3

Well, that last post got a little tangential, didn’t it.

Aside from derby, the only other huge change in my life since I was last here is my new fiancé Nick.

We met a little over 2 years ago and have been mostly inseparable since.  He’s smart and so kind and we have so much fun together being silly.  It feels like I’ve known him forever, but also for no time at all.  He really is my person.

He finds a random interesting topic and learns all he can about it, so he is full of all kinds of knowledge.  He makes music, you should go check it out at (http://anomieholiday.com/ and http://slowflood.com/) and look him up on Spotify (slowflood).

I’m not going to make a huge post about him, but he’s awesome.  And he makes me so happy, even when we have bad days.

We just got engaged in October, so we are just getting into the wedding planning stuff, and I had no idea how much stuff there was to do.  So far, luckily, we’ve been pretty aligned about our ideas for the wedding, which makes it easier.

I love him an infinity of universes and I can’t wait to be his wif (not wife, wif).

Here are some photos of us being dorks.

My Life Now… Part 2

OK, I’m back.  Again.  Where were we…

Remember those moves I never thought I could do?  Well, I can do them, and sometimes I can actually make them look good.  

I jumped into L2 and it wasn’t as bad as I was afraid it would be.  We weren’t thrown right in with the girls who knew what they were doing, and I learned a LOT in that first L2 session.  Eventually, we merged together with the other group and I started learning more about how to actually play.  Pack skills and the like.  My first scrimmage practice was absolutely terrifying.  The best way I can describe it is like being in a pinball machine. I just remember trying to stay upright and not trip anyone.

In September 2016, I played in my first bout.  It was a “Friends & Family” which is a bit like a recital that you were in as a child in a dance class.  I was so nervous going into this game.  And looking back, I don’t think I was very effective as a blocker, but at least I went out there.

I played again in December of last year, in a Christmas mash-up with a neighboring league.  I felt more confident, and my mom said I looked it as well.  Then one of my teammates fell and broke her leg and had to be ambulanced away.  I almost didn’t finish the game.  But, we all wrote her jersey number on our legs and finished the game.  And you know what, we won!  I even got a few decent hits!

I’ve played several times since then, and each time gets a little less terrifying.  There’s still that moment of panic right before the whistle blows, but once the jam starts it’s gone.  It’s weird.

The new friends I have made are awesome.  They’re all so strong and brave and I want to be like all of them when I grow up.  Sometimes I feel like a prerequisite of derby is that you have to have been one of those people that was on the outside.

I still felt a little like an outsider sometimes.  I’m so awkward and shy and it’s so hard for me to interact with new people.  I genuinely doubt the sincerity of people who want to hang out with me at first, and it takes a while for me to be comfortable with the idea that someone might actually want to spend time with me.  So, with this new activity, there were tons of new people for me to get comfortable with. I still have a little trouble sometimes with it.

But I’ve been gone a while.  My lack of confidence and anxiety have crept back in and it’s  currently winning.  I get scared when I think about going to practice.  I’m afraid of letting my teammates down or getting hurt or not being able to do the things that I think I should be able to do.  Last time I was at practice, I had to stop because my leg was cramping up and I couldn’t flex my foot/ankle back toward my knee, and it felt unsafe for me to be on the track if I couldn’t control my motions completely.  I felt like a complete failure and was actually in tears at one point.

I haven’t been back to practice since because I don’t want to feel that feeling.  Everyone is so great at saying encouraging things on the track, and offering advice, and that makes me feel so much worse when I just can’t do it.  When we are doing partner drills, I feel like I am constantly apologizing for not being a good enough partner.  I feel like the other person isn’t gaining anything from working with me, because I can’t do it right, or I have to keep stopping, or whatever.


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That’s me on the far left, in the purple pants and blue helmet.  It’s one of the only shots that I look like I’m doing something.  This was at the Friends and Family in Sept 2016, my first actual game.

 

 

 

My Life Now… Part 1

I’m back.

After my dad died, I started doing a lot more yoga and got into acro yoga.  I was really into that for about 2 years.  I met some really cool people through classes and open jams, but I eventually fell out of practice.  The scene got a little too competitive for me.  Everyone was trying to master the most difficult and impressive looking tricks.  Standing tricks and hand to hand stuff was getting more and more popular and I wasn’t into it.  It started to feel a little reckless to me.  We’d be at an open jam at the park and some people would be doing high tricks, and random people would stop to watch and want to try it, but they didn’t want to start at the beginning.  I was seeing a lot of new people rushing to get the Instagrammable tricks and it felt so unsafe.  Also, there was a divide within the community that I couldn’t figure out.  There was a group of people that I enjoyed hanging out with that started their own jams elsewhere, and some people that I liked hanging out with that continued to jam at our usual spot.  I felt like I had to choose who to spend my Sundays with, and eventually I chose neither.  There were a few people that made me feel uncomfortable, in different ways, that helped drive me away.  Some days, I miss acro and the people that I met there, but I don’t really think I’d want to go back.

Somewhere around the beginning of 2016 I decided that it would be fun to try roller derby.  I knew a couple people that played and I had been to several bouts in town and was in awe at what I saw.  The women were strong, athletic, and impressive.  I remember watching them play, wishing that I could do that, but realistically thinking I’d never be able to move like that.  One day, I was at the Flying Saucer with my mom and, after a couple beers, I decided to sign up for an upcoming boot camp.

The start of boot camp finally came and I was nervous as hell.  I signed in and was sent to the area to gear up.  I was in loaner pads and skates.  I hadn’t skated in 15 years!  I got out on the track and promptly fell.  With the pads, it didn’t hurt at all.  So I got back up.  And I kept skating.

I thought I had pretty strong legs from yoga and acro, but this was a completely different thing.  Imagine doing a squat, and staying there.  Then add wheels under your feet.  That’s the derby posture.  By the end of practice, my legs were jello.  My lower back hurt, and my feet were screaming.  I was so proud of myself for even trying it, let alone surviving the first practice.  The next day I ordered my own skates and pads.  I was hooked.

Fast forward to 6 weeks later.  It’s the last day of boot camp and our skills are being assessed so we can move up to “the big girl’s class,” – Level 2.  L2 would introduce contact, and I was terrified.  I did OK with the stops and falls that we had learned, but I definitely didn’t feel stable enough to be able to take a bump from someone, let alone a full on hit.  I ended up passing the assessments and would be able to sign up for L2 the next week, if I dared.  I thought about it, really hard, for the next week.  I considered going through boot camp again or going for it in L2.  In the end, I decided to try L2, even though I was scared.  Honestly though, I think I was going to do it all along, I had ordered a mouthguard from Amazon the day after assessments.

This is long, and I’ve got stuff to do, but I will add more later.  We’ve got a lot more to cover.

 

 

Rediscovery

I have stumbled back upon my blog.  I think I want to pick it back up again.

I’m not running anymore, but I have started playing roller derby.  I changed the name a little and will write a full update later tonight with everything that has happened over the last 5 (?!?!) years.

Stay tuned…

Jerks

Ok, so I’ve been biking.  I’m not very fast or whatever, but I like it.So today after work, I wasn’t feeling so hot so I went home and took a nap.  Woke up and felt much better so I decided to go for a ride.  There’s a park nearby that is a decent ride.  6.5 miles and its pretty shady and populated in the evenings so I feel pretty safe going solo.

Today, as I was unloading my bike off the rack on my car, a pickup with a few guys pulls in the lot and yells something at me along the lines of  “Hey I’ve got a friend for you” which made no sense to me whatsoever.   As I’m pumping up a low tire, he proceeds to turn around in a spot a few cars away and leaves the lot, yelling  “Pump it baby!” And I ignore him.  His car stops at the park driveway and he yells “You’ll have to pump it to 3000 psi to hold you!” (My tires are fine at the recommended 80psi) I promptly gave him the finger.  (Klassie, I know)

About a quarter through my ride, the trail runs alongside a sort of busy road for a short distance. As I’m riding along a guy in a car turns around in his seat while driving to stare at me, then lays on his horn. I start thinking, ” Do I have a hole in my pants? Did I forget an essential article of clothing?! WTF!?

And then I realize what it is…

I am a fat ass.

And people don’t like to see fat asses exercising.

I am sure that these guys are without flaw, because why else would they try to pass judgement on some random girl they see in their travels.

But you know what, I don’t give a fuck what they think.

Because they don’t know me and they don’t know what I can do.

New Year

First off, Happy New Year everyone!  I hope everyone had a fun and safe night celebrating.

I can’t say that I am sad to see the end of 2012.  It started out pretty good but ended up being pretty much the worst year ever.  I would like to say that I am determined to make 2013 a better year, but I really don’t think that it will take much for it to be better.  I am going to try to let go of all the things that brought me down and remove people from my life who do nothing but hurt me, no matter how hard.  I’ve wasted too much time on people who don’t give a damn about me and if the last few months have taught me nothing else, I have learned not to waste time on things that don’t matter.  Someone who can’t treat me right doesn’t deserve my friendship or attention. *end rant*

I will be heading up to Ft. Worth on Thursday for 3rd Coast Tribal, a belly dance festival(?) with some friends to take classes and drive around for an hour looking for somewhere to eat after midnight, only to end up at the pancake place ;).  It’s so much fun and I look forward to it every year.  The weekend after that is my 5k!  Holy crap it snuck up on me!  I know for sure that there is no way I will be running the whole thing, but I will do my best.  I am looking forward to crossing the finish line for sure.  I wish my dad could be there to take the picture of me finishing the race, like I had envisioned when I signed up 6 months ago, but things don’t go as planned.  I know that he is watching me from above and is proud of me just for doing it.  I find it a little bit ironic that I chose the American Heart Association as my charity, only to lose my dad to a heart attack. 

I wish the best for everyone who reads my posts and those who subscribe and stumble across this blog.  Tell your people that you love them and let the little crap go.  It’s not worth holding on to a grudge. 

Happy New Year friends.